The number was staggering.
That was a house down payment. College funds for both boys. The vacation Marcus and I had talked about for years. The chance to pay off our own mortgage earlier.
“What would you recommend to someone in my situation?” I asked. “From a financial planning perspective.”
“Immediate cessation of support,” she said. “You’re subsidizing other adults’ lifestyles at the expense of your own family’s long-term security.”
“And if I wanted to recover some of these funds?” I asked.
“That would depend on documentation,” she said. “Were these gifts or loans?”
I thought about years of conversations. Promises to ‘pay you back when we get on our feet.’ Assurances that it was ‘just temporary’ help. Repeated requests that came with implied repayment agreements.
“Mixed,” I said. “Some were explicitly loans.”
“Then you have options,” she said. “But the bigger question is whether pursuing repayment is worth the emotional cost.”
She was right. I wasn’t interested in chasing money from people who’d shown their true feelings about my family. I was interested in removing their financial incentive to pretend they wanted us around.
Next call: a family attorney recommended by a colleague.
“I need to understand my obligations regarding financial support I’ve been providing to family members,” I said.
“Are these court-ordered obligations?” he asked. “Elderly parents who need care?”
“No,” I said. “Voluntary support that’s become expected and increasingly demanded.”
“Then you have no legal obligation to continue,” he said. “Any money you’ve given was your choice, and stopping is equally your choice.”
“What if they’ve structured their lives around expecting this support?” I asked.
“That’s their responsibility to manage,” he said. “You’re not required to maintain other adults financially unless there’s a specific legal agreement.”
That evening, Marcus and I had another crucial conversation at our kitchen table, bills and budget sheets spread out between us.
“I want to cut off all financial support,” I told him. “All of it. Immediately.”
Marcus nodded slowly.
“I think that’s right,” he said. “But are you prepared for the response?”
“What kind of response?” I asked.
“Susan, you’re talking about removing substantial support from people who’ve come to see it as guaranteed income,” he said. “They’re going to be desperate. They’re going to say and do things to try to maintain their lifestyle.”
He was right. But I was past caring about their comfort.
“Let me ask you something,” I said. “If strangers treated our children the way my family treats them, what would you want me to do?”
“Cut contact immediately,” he said without hesitation.
“Then why should relatives get different treatment?” I asked.
“They shouldn’t,” he said.
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